


I'll be with you from dusk till dawn

by Neuqe



Series: I'll hold you when things go wrong [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Post Season 2, other characters appear briefly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 11:32:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14307744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neuqe/pseuds/Neuqe
Summary: Jace tries to deal with dying, Simon tries to deal with the consequences of his promises to the queen. Somehow they find each other in the middle of it.





	I'll be with you from dusk till dawn

**Author's Note:**

> It's finally done after months of writing (and non-writing)! I had the plan to post this before s3 airs but here we are almost five weeks later. This obviously has canon divergence because I wrote most of this during the hiatus. This is dedicated to Jacky who is amazing and supports everything I write and also dedicated to everyone who left kind comments on the first part of this story!

Jace is exhausted as he slouches towards the Institute.

A wave of gratitude and relief washes over him when he notices the outline of the Institute against the dark night sky. His muscles ache, his right shoulder is still numb from being dislocated and the cut on his shin is throbbing with pain. The small wound on his side might still be bleeding, but Jace is too tired actually to care enough to check it out.

All he is able to think about is his bed and sleeping for a day, at least. He wants to forget the whole night and any demon ambushes that occurred during his patrol. Even thinking about the Rahab demons gives him a headache, so he simply decides not to think about anything until he has slept around the clock.

It takes him an embarrassingly long time to realise his phone is vibrating in the pocket of his jacket. He hisses in pain as he reaches for it.

He stares at the bright screen of his phone that displays Simon’s name and a small picture of him grinning of one his most radiant smiles. It’s a dumb and blurry picture, but Simon looks so happy in it. Jace isn’t even sure how the picture has ended up on his phone. He suspects Simon has stolen his phone during one of their hangouts in Hunter’s moon and taken the picture himself.

He likes the picture a lot. Not that he is going to admit that to Simon, like, ever.

He knows he shouldn’t answer the phone in this state. He should go back to the Institute and deal with Simon and his phone calls in the morning when he can possibly form a coherent thought for longer than five seconds.

Yet, he immediately knows he is going to answer. First of all, it’s _Simon_. Second of all, it’s almost three in the morning and he knows Simon wouldn’t be making social calls in the middle of the night, which means something has happened. A little limp, serious sleep deprivation and few wounds aren’t enough to keep him from helping Simon.

To be honest, he has driven himself up to the wall with worry when it comes to Simon. He hasn’t seen him or heard of him since their chat at Hunter’s Moon. He has imagined every possible horror scenario of what might have happened to him at the Seelie Court.

It has been days since that chat at the bar and waiting for any kind of news has been like the worst kind of torture he has ever endured. The knot of worry in his chest is strong and unbearable. It keeps him awake at night and makes him feel as if he is suffocating.

Simon is all he has thought about for days. He is on night parole because he needed distraction from his own thoughts and even though he feels that he might fall down on any given second, he picks up the phone.

“Jace?” Simon’s voice sounds more fragile than Jace could have ever possibly imagined. His voice sounds shaken up and almost scared.

“Yeah,” Jace answers immediately, unsure what else to say.

“Are you awake? What a dumb question, of course you’re awake you answered the phone and you’re talking to me unless you’re sleep walking-“ There’s nothing unusual about Simon rambling, but this time he sounds borderline panicky, as if he was running out of breath.

“Simon,” he interrupts as gently as he can. “I’m awake. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, maybe, no,” Simon answers quickly, but pauses for so long, Jace thinks he hang up on him. “I just got back from the Seelie court and everything feels unreal and in a messed up way I’m not even sure if I ever left and I just need something _real_ to prove that I got out and that this isn’t just some cruel mind trick they’re playing on me and you’re the only one who even knows about the whole thing and-“ His voice breaks down a little as he speaks. The edge of desperation in his voice is so strong and Jace fears Simon might break down at any minute.

“Are you at the boathouse?” He asks, interrupting him for the second time.

Jace squeezes his eyes shut and tries to breathe in the cold night air as he waits for him to reply. He is unable to ignore the stinging feeling of guilt in his chest. He had let Simon go to the Seelie Court even though he knew nothing good would come out of it. He should have stopped him. He should have fought harder to find another solution. He knows shadowhunters who have never recovered from the things they have experienced in Seelie realm and he had still let Simon go. He knew it would be perilous, yet he did nothing.

Now, Simon sounds _broken_ and Jace cannot help but feel responsible.

“Yeah.”

“Good, I’m coming over,” Jace replies with determination, taking the pressure of asking away from Simon, because he is pretty certain that is the reason behind this phone call.

“Jace?”

Jace hums as a response as he wistfully glances at the direction of the Institute before searching his stele from his pocket.

“Thank you,” his voice is a mixture of relief and sincerity, and Jace knows he is making the right choice by going to see him.

As soon as Simon hangs up, Jace draws yet another _Iratze_ above his hip and an energy rune to the back of his hand and heads towards the boathouse.

***

He softly knocks on the door of the boathouse as he looks around the docks that are illuminated by Jade Wolf’s sign. He cannot see anyone else and everything is almost eerily quiet, except for the muffled noises of the city.

Simon doesn’t open the door, he merely peers behind of it, as if checking who’s knocking on his door in the middle of the night.

“Hey,” Jace says softly, without moving, and flashes a quick smile.

Simon seems to relax a little and opens the door fully, but as soon as Jace has stepped in, he closes the door behind them.

Simon looks terrible and it breaks Jace’s heart. He has dark circles under his eyes and something in his gaze is distraught and almost absent. He refuses to look at Jace and he keeps staring at one of the canoes instead. He looks paler than usually and everything about his demeanour seems small.

He is the opposite of the Simon Jace is used to seeing. Simon in front of him is jumpy and gets startled by the smallest of noises and there isn’t any sort of trace of joy on his face.

Simon seems so _broken_ and Jace doesn’t know what to do with himself. The icy feeling of worry and quilt settles into his stomach and it’s almost paralyzing. He knows he needs to do something and he is ready to do anything if it fixes the situation and makes Simon feel better.

He watches Simon hug himself and Jace tries to say something but the words die in his throat.

“How are you?” Jace finally manages to ask, and then immediately curses himself because it’s such a stupid question, and definitely doesn’t cover for the situation.

“Numb,” Simon answers with a shrug, and he seems calmer than earlier on the phone, but now he seems given up on all hope. “Nothing feels real. I don’t even know how long I was-- there.”

“Four days,” Jace replies quietly.

“Four-“ Simon repeats doubtfully, but then shakes his head. “It felt longer.”

“The time works differently in Seelie realm,” Jace explains offhandedly as he steps closer. He is lost. He doesn’t know what to do, he has never been too good at comforting people. That has always been more of Izzy’s and even Alec’s thing. Still, Jace knows he has to do _something._

“Try to focus on something particular,” Jace offers.

Simon stares at him with a puzzled expression and suddenly Jace feels almost embarrassed. He has the sudden urge to explain himself.

“It’s just something I used to do when I had a panic attack,” Jace mumbles, and he isn’t even sure if Simon hears him.

After he first arrived to the New York institute, he had nightmares almost every night, the sort of nightmares that one wakes up from screaming and unable to calm down. Every night, Alec and Izzy were there for him, telling him to focus on something, on their soft voices telling that everything will be okay, on the sensation of water on his skin while standing in a shower, in the middle of the night, trying to breathe.

“I’m not having a panic attack,” Simon says almost defensively but he sounds defeated.

“I know,” Jace says patiently, and tries to bury his own discomfort somewhere deep. He has never talked about these things to anyone else besides his siblings and he feels oddly vulnerable even though he should be comforting Simon, not feeling sorry for himself. “Focusing just helps finding some sort of clarity. Makes things feel more real.”

Simon still stares at him.

“I promise it will help,” Jace offers gently, and finally Simon nods.

“What should I focus on?” Simon asks, looking around the boathouse that’s full of canoes, paddles and tarps. “On the ugly shades of the canoes? I mean that’s one ugly shade of green but even that isn’t ugly enough to distract me from this,” Simon rambles on and vaguely gestures himself.

“My heart beat,” Jace says before he even realises it, and Simon is staring at him weirdly again. He sighs deeply and rubs his own neck. “It’s just easier to focus on something that you can hear and feel, like running water,” he explains, hoping it doesn’t sound too weird.

“I can hear it,” Simon says nodding towards to him, “your heart beat.” His voice softens as he says it.

He walks slowly, as if he isn’t sure if he is supposed to, over to him and carefully places his palm over his chest. He stares at his own hand before looking up to Jace’s face.

“It’s pretty irregular,” Simon points out, “are you sure you don’t have an arrhythmia?” His laugh is weak, nowhere near his regular, bubbly laugh, but at least he laughs and Jace is willing to count that as a win.

“A long day,” Jace lies, fully knowing that any demon ambush isn’t causing his heart to skip a beat or two.

They stay like that for a moment and it feels like they are the only souls in the entire world, just the two of them in their own bubble. Jace can hear the sounds of the city, the noise from car engines mixed with horns and sirens, but it sounds as if it was miles away, not on the other side of the door. The city doesn’t seem to exist, it doesn’t feel real, but Simon’s hand on his chest is real.

“This would be a lot less awkward if we were hugging,” Simon says and it sounds like a light-hearted joke, but Jace knows there is more to it than just teasing. He is asking and Jace has no intentions to decline.

“Only one way to find out,” Jace mutters before pulling him closer and wrapping his arms around him. He holds him tightly and close. Simon burrows his face against his shoulder before returning the hug.

“What happened to the whole ‘hugging is a onetime deal’ thing?” Simon asks, breaking the silence, but his voice is muffled as he speaks against his shoulder.

“Are you complaining?” Jace asks with a huff, unable to give a proper answer.

“No,” Simon answers after a while, “not at all.”

“Good,” he breathes out and he can feel that Simon relaxes in his arms, some of the tension is leaving his body, but his fists are still clenching to Jace’s jacket. “Still won’t be a habit,” he adds, thinking it’s necessary.

Simon sighs, but remains quiet, but lets out a broken laughter few moments later. “I don’t even know why I’m so upset,” he confesses quietly. “It’s not like anything bad _actually_ happened,” he continues, but somehow he manages to make it sound more like a question than a statement. “She just made me sing and play my guitar, which would be okay in any other situation but I couldn’t stop until she said so and the skin of my fingers peeled off-“ Simon’s voice is borderline frantic, but it quickly trails away, as he swallows, and Jace can only guess it’s to prevent himself from crying.

“And I couldn’t feed,” Simon continues but his voice is still wobbly. “I mean she did offer me blood, but I know that you aren’t supposed to eat anything in the Seelie realm and I thought I’m in enough trouble already and I just tried to control the hunger but at some point I was convinced I’d die again and I don’t know--,” Simon swallows hard, and doesn’t continue talking.

Jace holds him a little tighter. He doesn’t know what to say. He cannot say anything that would make things better. He cannot change what happened even if it is the thing he wants the most.

His eyes start burning and he fears he might be the one who starts crying first.

A million things come to his mind. _I wouldn’t have let you die,_ but that’s kind of a lie because if Simon had died, he wouldn’t have even known. He would have wanted to save him, but the truth is that he probably couldn’t. It did happen already once. The track record really isn’t on his side with this one, but he wants to keep Simon safe, preferably wrapped in a bubble wrap and never letting him near danger again.

_I’m so sorry._ That one isn’t a lie. It’s the truth, but he doesn’t know how to explain what he is sorry for. Maybe he is sorry for everything, every single bad thing that has happened to Simon since he learned about the existence of the shadow world. It just doesn’t feel good enough, no word could ever cover what his feelings are for him.

_I’d take your place in a heartbeat._ For a moment, he actually considers saying it, because he would take his place, surrender himself to the queen without a moment of hesitation, if it meant that Simon was happy and safe. It isn’t right that Simon, who is like a ray of sunshine in a ruined world, has to suffer when Jace would be able to take his place. He doesn’t say it, because it doesn’t feel right.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” he eventually says and it sounds so lame, but it’s the best he can do. It certainly does not help him and he suspects it does not help his anguish either.

“Me too,” Simon says, “and thanks for coming over, I mean I’m sure you have other things to do like sleeping, but-“

“Simon,” Jace interrupts him, “it’s no problem.” He doesn’t need a thank you. Coming to see him it is the least he can do and he still feels awfully helpless and powerless. “I mean, we’re a team, right?” He partly says it, because he tries to distract Simon from thinking about the Seelie queen, but he has become somewhat fond of the idea.

Of course, he has Alec, his parabatai, who would have his back in any situation no matter what and Izzy, who would do anything in her power to keep him away from harm, but they are his siblings. It’s different that Simon wants to be a team, even if it is more of a joke than anything else, without any obligation.

Simon laughs, it’s surprised but mostly a happy laugh, and he pulls himself away from the embrace. “We should get team back from the dead t-shirts,” he declares with a radiant grin, and Jace thinks the distraction might work after all.

“No,” Jace breathes out as he shakes his head, “absolutely not.”

“Team jackets it is then,” Simon deadpans.

Jace buries his head into his hands. “I’m leaving the team.”

“Ha, not possible,” Simon tells him with a smirk, “it’s a lifelong membership or at least until the next resurrection.”

“That’s one crappy membership,” Jace points out as he watches Simon to climb in one of the nearby canoes.

“There are perks to the membership,” Simon informs him and gestures him to follow him to the canoe.

“And those are?” Jace asks, as he tries to climb on the opposite side of the canoe without tipping it.

“You get to spend time with me,” Simon says and gestures towards the door, “and endless supply of Chinese food from Jade Wolf because Luke cannot say no to me.”

“So I get to sit in a canoe in the middle of the night with you, eating food from a place that probably hasn’t had a health check since last century and watch some weird movies and hope I don’t get a food poisoning,” Jace recaps, deadpan.

“Hey,” Simon mock kicks his shin with his leg, rocking the canoe slightly. “Jade Wolf is a great place and you know it and you guys probably have some rune for food poisoning and if you don’t and the very unlikely occurrence of you getting a food poisoning happens, I’ll call Clary and she can make up one for you so stop complaining.”

“This truly is a great team,” Jace answers wryly, but he cannot fight off the small smile that tugs on the corner of his mouth.

“The best,” Simon confirms with a whimsical grin.   

The conversation dies as they stare at each other, and just like that, the bubble is broken. Rest of the world exists and their very real problems haven’t disappeared anywhere. Suddenly, they remember that not everything is okay. Just because Simon survived the first favour he owes to the queen, doesn’t mean he can’t get hurt during the next two.

Jace feels as if he is suffocating. Everything feels heavy and overwhelming and he doesn’t have the energy to deal with it.

“Could you just keep talking?” Simon asks eventually, but all of the cheer is gone from his voice and he looks downright miserable as he hugs his legs closer to his body.

“Sure,” Jace answers and starts to tell about his nightmare of a day with painstaking details. He describes how hot the coffee was when he spilled it all over himself in the morning, and he describes the dull clave meetings and the demon ambush.

He doesn’t focus too much on what he is saying, he is barely aware of the words coming out of his mouth. He is too preoccupied his own thoughts.

The thought of Simon being hurt created this lump of hollowness inside of him and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. It’s simply too much. He cannot even think about the possibility of losing Simon for good. It breaks his heart.

Jace knows he would be selfish enough to bring him back again, no matter what the cost and consequences would be. For a moment, he almost understands Clary and her decisions to keep bringing her loved ones back from the dead. He hates himself for it, even for thinking about it, because he knows how _horrible_ it its and he knows how badly it messed up Simon last time, but he cannot help himself. 

He is selfish because he has fallen for him. Falling in love with Simon is the worst thing that has ever happened to him. He never thought he could be capable of loving someone in the way he loves Simon, and the only thing he has learned is that loving someone is the worst. He is constantly worried about him and wants him to be safe, but Simon is a trouble magnet so it isn’t happening anytime soon. He wants him to be happy, but Simon’s life is full of struggles. The kind of struggles Jace cannot fix.

Also, he cannot be blamed for falling for him. It’s all Simon’s fault. He is the one who has the ability to make anyone feel as if they are the most important person on earth for him, he is witty and brave, and willing to do anything for those who he cares about. So, he could have fallen in love with a lot worse person.

There are also three facts that Jace knows. One, Simon doesn’t love him. Not in a way he loves him. Two, if he knew about his feelings, he wouldn’t be cruel about it. He probably would be really nice and sweet about it and Jace doesn’t need his pity. Three, he is never going to tell him because there is no point.

“You had a crappy day and you still came over when I asked?” Simon asks, some of sort of disbelief echoing in his voice, and startles Jace from wallowing in self-pity.

He only now realises he probably should have sugar-coated his day a little, not tell about every single bad thing that happened to him.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Jace tries to protest, “it’s fine,” he continues and suddenly he has the urge to look at anywhere else expect the direction of Simon. Honestly, Jace is glad that he came over and that Simon trusts him enough to even ask him, but he doesn’t know how to say it.

“You do look awful,” Simon says matter-of-factly, “dead tired, like you could collapse and fall asleep at any given moment,” he continues his observation, and Jace can _feel_ his gaze on him.

“You sure know how to flatter a guy,” Jace deadpans, but Simon isn’t wrong. The energy rune is fading and the thought of sleeping doesn’t sound bad at all.

“You should sleep,” Simon says gently as he climbs out of the canoe.

“Yeah,” Jace agrees, but doesn’t move. Even the thought of moving is exhausting, yet alone travelling back to the institute.

“You can crash here,” Simon says, apparently reading his mind, “it’s like the least I can do and it’s like four am already,” he babbles on as he searches for something from the closet.

“Thanks,” Jace mumbles as he climbs down from the canoe, and as soon as he is next to Simon, he hands him a flat pillow and a big red blanket.

“Pick a canoe,” Simon says with a massive grin.

“Have you ever heard of the revolutionary idea of having a proper bed?” Jace asks as he glares at him.

“It would ruin the style of this place,” Simon explains with a half-grin, and Jace isn’t sure if he is joking or not.

Jace rolls his eyes and throws the blanket and pillow to nearby canoe. “I’m pretty sure I won’t have a spine tomorrow morning, it will be only a pile of small rocks pretending to be a functional spine.”

Simon laughs. “You sure know how to be dramatic, but there’s a mattress behind of all of the boats, but I’ve no idea how it got there and it has suspicious looking stain on it and it smells funny so I wouldn’t recommend.”

“Canoe it is then,” Jace hums and makes Simon chuckle. He steps into the canoe and lies down carefully before trying to adjust the pillow but it would require a miracle for it to be comfortable or soft.

“Good night,” Simon whispers before he turns off the lights, but Jace notices he leaves some of them on. He chooses not to say anything.

Jace lies there, awake, listening to the sounds that Simon makes. He climbs in one of the canoes, but doesn’t stay still. Every time he moves, the canoe creaks and he keeps tapping the edge of it with his fingers.

Jace is certain he can _feel_ his nervous energy.

“If it gets too quiet, you could watch something,” Jace suggests, as it is painfully obvious Simon isn’t able to sleep.

“It won’t bother you?” Simon asks, but he sounds relieved.

“Headphones are a magical invention,” Jace tells wryly and Simon huffs.

Jace watches him to fetch his laptop and headphones, and soon he has settled back into the boat. He looks little bit calmer than before.

“Wake me up if you need anything,” Jace says and looks at Simon sternly, to indicate he means it. He would rather lose his sleep than let Simon suffer alone.

“Okay,” Simon says without protesting, but he looks little unsure.

It’s good enough for Jace, and he falls back to the canoe, and closes his eyes and by some miracle he actually falls asleep.

***

Jace wakes up when someone pokes his bicep persistently. As soon as he moves, he can feel how stiff his back is and he curses himself for deciding to sleep in a canoe. Even floor would have been more comfortable.

When he opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is Simon grinning his megawatt smile. “Good morning, sunshine.”

Jace merely groans.

“Yet another perk of this team is breakfast,” Simon announces with too much enthusiasm and walks up to the small table next to the wall.

“What time it is?” Jace slurs, his brain is still foggy from sleep.

“Ten, nearly eleven, so actually this is more like a brunch,” he answers thoughtfully, “yes, we’re keeping that, it sounds fancier than breakfast.”

“If it’s noodles, I will throw them at you,” Jace threatens as he gets up.

“Fortunately, it’s mostly rice and I just decided that the rule number one of team back from the dead is no throwing food at or the direction of another team member,” Simon tells cheerfully.

Jace sits down and opens up the small cartoon box and throws the small slice of carrot he finds at Simon, but he just laughs as he dodges it.

A tiny smile creeps on his face and suddenly things do not seem so overwhelming after all.

***

Jace tries to breathe, but he just _cannot_ do it _._ There’s a lump in his throat and the air won’t flow in and out the way it is supposed to. His chest feels heavy and he can see how the black dots are appearing in his vision.

He feels numb and he wants to run out of his room and keep running, but he knows he won’t outrun his nightmares.

He doesn’t know what to do. He cannot focus on anything and it feels as if the walls are tumbling down on him. 

He considers waking up Alec, but then he suddenly remembers that Alec doesn’t even live at the Institute anymore. Izzy is out of question too because he cannot talk about his nightmares about dying and coming back to life without actually mentioning that it has happened to him.

He doesn’t even realise he has picked up the phone and chose Simon’s number until he hears his voice on the other end of the phone.

“Hey?” He sounds cheery, as if he isn’t bothered by the fact that it is middle of the night and he is calling him, and suddenly Jace realises it was a bad idea to call him.

Simon doesn’t need his night to be ruined by his problems. Simon has more important things to deal with and be worried about, and Jace is certain the last thing he needs is to listen to him talk about his nightmare.

“I-“, Jace tries, but he doesn’t know how to explain that his first instinct was to call him because he knew merely Simon’s voice could calm him down. He doesn’t know how to explain that the phone call isn’t an emergency one. It’s because of a nightmare and it feels so mundane and trivial and just plain dumb.

Simon waits patiently and doesn’t hang up on him, even though Jace is convinced it is the only smart solution to this situation.

“I’m sorry I called you,” he eventually says, hoping that Simon would let it slide.

Simon hums. “I’d be angry if you just butt dialled me, but because we live in the age of smart phones that isn’t possible any longer, so what’s up?”

“Nothing,” the lie rolls of his tongue so easily and Jace hates himself for it.

“Liar,” Simon accuses, but his voice is soft.

Jace huffs before closing his eyes. He didn’t expect Simon to notice his lie, or to comment on it. “A nightmare,” he manages to say eventually.

“The bad kind?” Simon asks, his voice filled with sympathy.

“The kind of that has earned me the lifelong membership to our merry little team,” Jace replies with a joyless burst of laugh. Somehow, he cannot bring himself to talk about death and dying directly.

“Those are horrible,” Simon agrees quietly, “if you want company, I can come over,” he offers. He says it casually, the way one would offer to help with grocery shopping or something as normal and mundane, but Jace knows Simon absolutely means it.

“You would?” Jace blurts out and mentally kicks himself right after. He wants to blame the sleep deprivation and the emotional turmoil for his slip because he knows he shouldn’t be even consider asking him to come over. He doesn’t need him or his help.

“Of course,” he replies without missing a beat.

“Okay,” Jace replies, even though he knows better, and because even though he doesn’t need his help, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it. Still, he feels like he is being exasperating.

He tries to justify it with that he really doesn’t want to be alone and it was Simon who offered to come over, so he isn’t the one who asked it for it. On some level, that makes him feel a little better.

“Do you need anything else?”

“If you mean noodles by that, I’m gonna say no,” Jace deadpans, because he doesn’t know how else to deal with his kindness.

Simon sighs exasperatedly and Jace can _hear_ his smirk.  “Fine, I’ll be there soon.”

***

It takes Simon only a few minutes to arrive, but the wait feels like an eternity. He keeps twitching the sheet of his bed, feeling oddly awkward, sitting there on his own bed, just waiting.

Finally, the door of his bedroom opens slightly and quietly, and Simon slips in.

He appears to be wearing his pyjamas, a pair of ratty sweatpants and an old band t-shirt, with an oversized hoodie and bright orange fuzzy socks. He looks ridiculous but Jace is just overwhelmed by how happy he is merely to see him that he cannot even make a sarcastic remark about the socks.

Simon leans onto his door and grins, and for a moment, Jace believes again that everything will be okay and that everything that they are going through will be worth it in the end.

“These sleepovers are becoming a habit,” Simon says with a soft chuckle.

“Two is a coincidence, not a pattern,” Jace points out, but he is smiling nevertheless.

He rolls his eyes and walks closer to his bed. “Fine, maybe you have a point,” he admits, and his smile grows gentler, “but in a true pattern of these nightly visits that aren’t a habit, I have to ask do you need a hug?”

A smile ghosts on his lips as he shakes his head. “No, I’m good.”

“Yeah, I know you aren’t a hugger, which is fine, not everyone is,” Simon says and sits down to the other end of the bed and crosses his legs.

Jace is grateful that Simon understands him, even though hugging is strangely becoming their thing. It is not like he hates hugging, it just makes him slightly uncomfortable because he isn’t used to it. It is unnerving to be so close and intimate with someone.

He can hug others when they are upset, and he knows hugging helps when it feels like everything is tumbling down and the pain is too much to bear, but he feels better already knowing that Simon is there.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He offers next, seeming genuinely sincere about listening to him.

“I don’t know,” Jace says with a sigh and stares out of the narrow window. “I don’t know how to describe it. It feels mostly hollow.”

Jace likes to think himself as fearless. Never backing down from a challenge and always facing the danger instead of running away. Nothing has ever compared with the amount of sheer terror when he realised he was going to die and there was nothing to do to prevent it.

Once he felt that type of fear, raw, all consuming and uncontrollable, he could not shake it off. It is like a disease that is eating him away from the inside, always nagging on the corner of his mind.

For his whole life, he has been prepared for the real possibility that he is going to die young. Probably in a battle while holding a seraph blade. He always thought he was fine with that scenario, but now he isn’t so sure.

He wants to live, but no one ever prepared him for the possibility of coming back from the dead.

“I know,” Simon replies sympathetically, “it gets little easier with time, but I don’t know if it ever stops being difficult.”

“Maybe you just numb to it,” Jace muses, now staring at his hands, sounding almost wistful.

“I kinda hope that’s true,” Simon admits and there is an edge to his voice, and for the first time, Jace can hear how upset and exhausted he still is, and he feels a sting of guilt in his stomach.

He never considered how horrible Simon must have felt when dying and turning into a vampire. Simon probably had to go through it all alone without help. Jace feels like an ass for never even asking how he was feeling and coping with everything.

“I’m sorry,” Jace says, surprising himself as well, “for never understanding what you went through when it happened to you.”

Simon looks surprised at first, but then his face breaks into a tiny but grateful smile. “It’s okay, I never expected any of you to understand. I mean it’s the kind of thing you have to experience to actually understand.”

Jace nods.

“You’re here now, which matters a lot more,” Simon says softly, and Jace’s heart is about burst because of the way he is looking at him.

“Team back from the dead,” Jace replies with a lopsided grin.

“Damn right,” Simon chuckles, but his expression gets more serious, yet his eyes are full of compassion. “You’re not supposed to be okay, you know. I’d be a lot more worried if you weren’t affected in any way.”

Jace nods and looks at him, raising his eyebrows. “You’re worried about me?”

Simon rolls his eyes and shoves his arm. “Of course, that’s all you got from that.”

Jace shrugs as innocently as he can.

“But yeah, I am,” he confirms, looking at his duvet rather than him, “I mean this stuff can mess your head up and I don’t mind spending time with you or anything like that but I think you should tell Alec and Izzy at least,” he continues softly, “it helps when you can talk about it.”

Jace sighs deeply and ruffles his hands through his hair. He knows Simon is right and he should tell his siblings but it is more difficult than he imagined. He has tried to tell them a couple of times but every time the words just die on his throat.

He doesn’t want them to think he intentionally wanted to keep it as a secret from them. He was too shaken up to tell them right away and after that it became more difficult because it is not something one can just casually incorporate to daily chats. The last thing he wants is to Alec get in trouble as a head of the Institute and Jace is certain that resurrection breaks at least twenty regulations.

“Yeah, I’m gonna tell them,” Jace says eventually, giving Simon a weak smile. “But, uh, even if they knew about it now, I would have still called you.”

Jace isn’t completely certain why he said it. It is just important for him to him to know that their friendship isn’t just a replacement for something else because of the circumstances. He isn’t a replacement for his siblings or anybody else. He is just Simon and Jace is happy with that.       

Simon’s mouth curls up into a smile and he looks actually delighted. “I’m glad to hear that,” he says, sounding sincere, “but if you don’t want to hug and you aren’t too keen on talking about the nightmare, what do you want to do?” He doesn’t sound pressuring, more curious.

“Maybe just talk? About something else,” he offers weakly, suddenly feeling dumb again for even asking him to come over.

“Talking, my best and least needed skill,” Simon laughs and hauls himself next to Jace. “I could ramble till the end of times, so that’s definitely something I can do.”

“Sure,” Jace agrees, sounding overly fond even to his own ears.

Simon doesn’t seem to notice, and if he does notice, he doesn’t say anything about it, and Jace is grateful. He talks about the weekend he spent with Rebecca and his studies at the college. He tells about a new song he wrote and some new movie that he wants to go and see. He threatens to get a custom-made pair team back from the dead fuzzy socks for Jace as a Christmas present.

“I survived my second favour with the queen,” Simon eventually says, way too casually, as if it was something trivial.

“You did?” Jace asks, surprised, and wondering why he didn’t start his ramble with that. “What did she ask for?” He continues cautiously, because he has no idea what she might have asked for.

“Just asked me how it feels to be a daylighter,” he explains, and Jace can feel how a knot of worry untangle in his chest.

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” Jace replies, even though he knows that the queen can make even the simplest requests difficult and traumatic.

“It was mostly odd,” Simon agrees, “after I told her, I was free to go. The whole thing lasted maybe five minutes,” a small smile ghosts on his lips and there is an edge to his voice again, but he doesn’t seem as shaken up as he did the last time.

“What did you say to her?” Jace tries to ask it conversationally, but he is actually curious about it. He has never dared to ask it himself, but he would like to know. He doesn’t know why he hasn’t asked about it, but he feels like it would be considered crossing some invisible boundary.

“The truth,” Simon says with an easy shrug. “It didn’t feel like a good idea to lie to her, so I told that it’s mostly nice because it makes my life a little more normal,” Simon explains quietly and there is a trace of longing in his voice. “I can spend more time with my family and go to college, which is nice, but on the other hand half of the clan hates me and the other half harasses me because they want to know how I became a daylighter,” he laughs, but it sounds joyless.

“You could always tell them,” Jace offers offhandedly as he stares at the wall. He doesn’t like the thought of Simon suffering because he is protecting him and keeping a promise that Jace never even expected him to make or keep.

“No way,” Simon replies immediately with much more determination than Jace had expected. He sounds like Jace had just personally insulted him and his entire family.

He looks at him strangely.

“I’m not gonna put you in danger just because it would make my life easier,” Simon explains softly, but Jace knows he means every single word he speaks.

It does unfair things to his heart knowing that Simon is willing to keep him safe. Knowing that he is ready to sacrifice something for _him._ It makes his stomach fall in a good way.

On the other hand, he wants to yell that he is not worth any of it. Not his protection or loyalty. He doesn’t deserve it.

“I appreciate it,” Jace says to him and his voice sounds strained as tries his best not to choke on his emotions.

“I got your back,” Simon says happily, sounding almost proud of it, and it is a little too much for him, and he is glad when Simon continues to talk about his lectures.

Jace loses the track of time and he doesn’t know how long they stay there, Simon talking softly but rapidly and Jace listening to him and making few comments or sarcastic remarks, but in the end he doesn’t even care about the time.

Simon looks beautiful in the dimly lit bedroom. His hair is a mess, but his eyes are so bright and he keeps rapidly moving his hands as he talks, and Jace cannot stop staring because it is so captivating. He looks borderline divine.

He likes it a lot and it is oddly comforting to listen to Simon speak.

The serenity of it is disturbed when Simon’s phone makes a ping noise. He abruptly stops speaking and picks up his phone to read the message.

A soft groan escapes from Simon’s lips as he puts the phone away. “Another clan meeting,” he tells him, “I don’t know why they even need me to be there, like I never contribute to any of the decisions and if I try and say something they won’t listen to me because they hate me. The only reason why they even invite me there is ‘cause they fear I’ll go rogue and establish my own clan--“

Simon rambles and tries to get out of bed, but his movements lack any effort. Jace doesn’t know what takes over his common sense and will power, but he kisses Simon in the middle of his ramble.

Suddenly, the room is quiet, but Jace’s ears are ringing. He is kissing Simon and while he knows he shouldn’t be doing this, he cannot force himself to pull away.

Jace cups Simon’s face with his hands and it is a soft kiss, even though it is a slightly messy and tentative, and then finally Simon kisses him back. It feels like Jace’s whole body is buzzing with a mix of excitement and nervousness and his stomach decides to do somersaults.

He cannot think about anything else than kissing Simon. He doesn’t want to think about the consequences of kissing Simon, he just wants the moment last to forever.

Of course, the bubble bursts when Simon pulls away. He doesn’t move too far away. He is so close that Jace is certain Simon can feel his breath on his face.

Simon stays quiet, but he looks at him with a perplexed expression and his eyes are shining with some emotion that Jace cannot name.

Jace feels uneasy and he has the sudden urge to apologize and somehow explain his actions, but he doesn’t know why he did it. Well, he knows why he did it. It is all because of his pathetic crush, but he doesn’t know why he didn’t stop himself. He only knows he wants to do it again. 

He opens his mouth, but he has no clue what to say.

“I-wasn’t, I, didn’t-,” he stammers, before squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to do that,” he says, slightly lamely.

Simon pulls himself further away immediately. He sits on the edge of the bed and looks at him over his shoulder. “It’s fine, like more than fine really, and you don’t have to apologize, but we should talk about this because communication is the key with everything, but maybe we should talk about it some other time when we aren’t this tired,” Simon’s tone is quiet, but he speaks quickly, and Jace cannot decide whether he sounds hopeful or sombre.

“Yeah,” Jace agrees with a huff and ruffles his of hair. “You’re probably right.”

“I’m always right,” Simon deadpans as he stands up, and somehow it convinces that he might have not completely ruined everything between them, but he still cannot ignore the feeling that he has made everything between them awkward.

“No, you are not,” Jace laughs, but all he can think about is how unreal the whole moment feels. He is a little numb and some part of his mind is yelling at him about his own incapability to have friends and the fact he has to ruin every single significant relationship in his life.

“You’re thinking too loud,” Simon points out gently with a soft smile.

“Hmm?” Jace asks, startled from his own spiralling thoughts.

“We are fine,” Simon tells him and pokes his knee, “you didn’t ruin anything, I promise you.”

Jace’s mouth curls up into an amused smile. “Are your reading my mind?”

Of course, Simon would know how to make him feel a little better even when he doesn’t know how to put it into the words what is bothering him.

“I wish I could,” Simon tells him wistfully and Jace isn’t sure what he is trying to imply with that.

Simon stands at the door already and he rests his palm on the doorknob, but he doesn’t do any effort to move. He looks at him with the same perplexed expression as earlier.

“Are you feeling better? I could always go rogue and not go to the meeting,” Simon offers whimsically, but once again, Jace knows he would do it if he just asked.

 Jace shakes his head. “I’m fine,” he says and he feels like he isn’t even lying about it.

“Try to sleep,” Simon tells him gently as he opens the door.

“I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah,” Simon says and then he is gone, leaving Jace alone with his thoughts, but by some miracle, he manages to fall asleep.

***

He doesn’t see Simon the next day.

Jace thinks it’s understandable. He has his own life and he isn’t required to spend every single moment of his free time with him.  He probably needs time and his own space after last night. Jace wouldn’t blame him if he did avoid him.

When he doesn’t hear from him or see him on the next day, he knows it isn’t just avoiding. Simon isn’t the type of person to avoid others for a long time or ghost them. Jace knows Simon is probably paying a visit to the court of their least favourite queen.

The worry washes over him again and the uneasiness grows because he is certain the whole deal with the queen won’t end well.

When the anxiety gets too much to bear, he picks up his phone texts him.

[Jace 2.07 am] _You okay? Do you need help with you know what?_

He knows it is a long shot and if Simon truly is visiting the court, he probably won’t be able to use his phone. It makes him feel a little better, though. It makes him feel a little less helpless, like he isn’t just sitting there, doing nothing to help him.

The fact that Simon doesn’t answer to his text doesn’t help him at all.

***

It has been four days since Jace has seen or heard from Simon.

The worry and fear is slowly eating him alive. He cannot sleep properly. He spends his nights tossing and turning in his bed and when he does sleep, he sees nightmares. He has lost his appetite and he cannot focus on anything.

All he can think about is that Simon is in danger and he cannot do anything to stop it, and he loathes himself for it.

He spends most of his morning in a weapons’ room, maintaining and rearranging the various weapons, as it is the only thing he can focus on and it is boring enough to numb his mind a little.

He is startled from his own, less than pleasant thoughts and emotional turmoil, when Clary knocks on the frame of the door.

“Hey, have you seen Simon?” She asks, frowning and sounding worried. “He was supposed to meet with me and Maia, but he didn’t turn up and he hasn’t answered his phone.”

Suddenly, there is a lump in his throat and breathing gets more difficult than it should be.

“No, I haven’t,” Jace tells truthfully, and puts down the seraph blade he had been polishing, “but I can look for him,” he continues, and realises that it is the only thing he should be doing. The only thing he should have been doing for days now.

He should be doing something at least, especially when he knows how grave his situation is. If Simon hasn’t survived from the court in four days on his own, he probably needs help. He could be hurt or kept as a prisoner and he is most likely at least starving. The queen could have done something to him and Jace wouldn’t even know.

Thinking about any of those options make him feel nauseated, and he would rather not think about them.

Clary shots him a grateful smile. “That would be great, and call me if you find him,” she says, before disappearing into the hallway.

***

Jace knows, logically, that he should stop and make a plan.

Yet, his mind is racing and thoughts are spiralling and all he can think about is how he shouldn’t waste another moment by doing nothing.

He finds himself at Hotel Dumort, knocking on the door of Raphael’s apartment. He opens the door and sighs deeply as soon as he sees him.

“Jace,” he says, “what do I owe this unpleasant surprise?”

“Nice to see you too, Raphael,” Jace replies wryly, “was Simon at your clan meeting?”

Raphael looks slightly surprised by his question, yet he continues to glare at him. “Yes, but he seemed distracted. Looked like he wanted to be somewhere else, which is not new.”

“Have you seen him since?”

“No,” he answers, sounding a bit fed up with the constant questions, “not that I would have had any desire to.”

Jace rolls his eyes before muttering a thank you and heading to the stairwell.

***

The next part of his plan that he is making up as he goes is easier than he expected.

He finds Meliorn from Hunter’s Moon. He is sitting at the bar counter, sipping his drink and staring at the wall behind the bartender. He is almost grateful that Maia isn’t working today because he isn’t sure how he would even begin to explain any of the mess they have made.

Jace takes the seat next to him and he doesn’t even bother pretending to order a drink or start any sort of chitchat with him. He doesn’t have energy or patience to do so.

“The queen,” Jace almost spits out the word as if it were poisonous, “she has Simon, right?”

Meliorn refuses to look at him, but he almost grimaces at his words, and Jace really doesn’t want to know what causes him to do that.

“Yes,” he eventually says after what seems like a small forever, “but you can’t just march in there,” he tells him, almost cautiously, as if he were reading his mind.

“Watch me,” Jace hisses before he storms out of the bar.

***

Jace does not go straight to the court even though he is extremely tempted to.

He goes back to the Institute, straight to their supply room. He shoves a couple of bags of o-neg into the pockets of his jacket, because if Simon is still alive, he is probably starving.

He walks past the weapons’ room and stares at his seraph blade, but decides it is best to leave it behind. If he charges into the court with weapons, he is guaranteed to die, and he is not much help to Simon if he dies.

He needs to do this with discretion and diplomacy, even if what he truly wants to do includes a lot more punching.

He knows his plan is a disaster and there is no way it will go as he wants it to go. A thousand things can go wrong. The queen is cruel, ruthless, and manipulative and enjoys seeing other people’s pain. Jace knows she will turn the situation into her advantage and there is nothing he or Simon can do about it.

He doesn’t believe in his own odds, but he knows he has to do something, because he cannot live with himself if he does not.

***

He breathes deeply as he watches the dark water under the bridge. He doesn’t even know if the queen will grant him into the court.

He doesn’t have any more time to wallow in his own self-pity because his phone rings. He almost drops his phone out of relief when he sees that the caller id says Simon.

Jace answers the call as fast as he can. “Hey, are you alright? Where are you?”

He is aware that he speaks too rapidly to give Simon even a chance to answer.

“Are you anywhere near the boathouse?” Simon says, completely ignoring his previous questions. He sounds eerily similar as he did after his first favour, but this he sounds more shattered, as if he was heartbroken.

“Not too far away,” Jace replies, already planning the fastest route, as he glances the water again.

“Good,” he says, but he does not seem to mean it. “Can you come over?”

“Of course, I’ll be there in twenty,” he says before hanging up, and he cannot get the rid of the knot of worry that forms once again into his stomach.

***

The docks are empty, even though it is middle of the day. Jace knocks on the door, but it starts to slide under his knuckles as it is left open.

Jace steps in, closing the door behind him, and sees Simon sitting on one of the chairs. He is still wearing the same pyjamas as he did when he visited him days ago. There are at least three empty bags of blood scratted around him on the floor, and Simon keeps his gaze on his shoes.

“Hey,” Jace greets him, walking closer to him, “are you okay?”

Once again, this is not the Simon he is used to see. It is slightly unnerving to see him to be so different from his usual cheery self, but Jace cannot blame him.

He looks defeated and exhausted. The chair has no backrest but still he manages to slouch on it, and he seems almost eerily calm. There is no traces of panic or fear in his demeanour, just general hopelessness. As if he would have given up on something or everything. The shadows under his eyes are dark and his skin looks ashen. He looks almost older than before.

It is excruciating to see him like this, again, knowing that he could not stop it from happening this time, either. 

“Yeah,” Simon says, quietly, looking up at him, and acknowledging him for the first time.

Jace nods, feeling some sort of relief, even though he isn’t completely certain if he believes him, but he lets it slide for now. He pulls out the bags of blood from his pocket and places them onto the table in a neat pile.

“I guess these can fill up your stash,” he says, to fill the silence, as his eyes keep darting to the ones that lie on the floor. He hopes Simon won’t ask why he has the bags with him.

Simon nods, being more absentminded than Jace has ever seen him to be, not even looking at the general direction of him.

Jace sighs, picks up a chair and drags it in front of Simon’s chair, and sits down. Even when he is right in front of him, he refuses to look at him.

Once again, Jace has no idea what to say or do. The silence is deafening and he wants to do something to fix whatever is wrong. There is a certain sort of tension between them that has not been there for a long time, and it is strong enough for him to pick it up, even though he has no idea what causes it.

He brushes the back of Simon’s hand with his fingers, attempting to take his hand in his, but Simon pulls it away immediately, as if his touch would burn his skin.

“Why did you call me?” Jace asks, quietly, pulling his hand away as well, trying his best not to feel any sort of embarrassment.

“You don’t have to be here if you don’t want to,” Simon shoots back immediately and harshly, quickly looking at him, and he sounds bitter.

“That’s not what I meant,” Jace says, as gently as he can. He keeps his gaze on him, trying to pick up any kind of hint what might be wrong, but he sees nothing, but anger and possibly something resembling to pain. It hurts his heart and it hurts even more that Simon is closing himself off from him.  “Just tell me what you need.”

Simon looks at him properly. His eyes are full of sadness and he looks almost desperate or afraid of something, and Jace just wants to erase it all away from his eyes.

“I need to tell you something,” he says, unsurely, as if he would not have the courage to say the words aloud. He is almost fearful.

“So, tell me,” Jace says with a shrug, and tries to smile encouragingly. He hates the fact that Simon would feel uncomfortable or afraid around him.

For the longest time, Simon just stares at him. He looks at him so intensely that Jace is certain he can see through any walls he has ever put up. It is almost uncomfortable kind of stare, because everything seems so visible and just be there out in the open, but at least he feels seen as well as little distressed.

“Are you nervous?” Jace blurts out, under his gaze. He bites his lips as he asks it. A nervous habit, he supposes.

“Yeah.”

“Why?” Jace asks, genuinely curious. He thought they were close, at least close enough that there are not many topics he would be afraid to talk about to him, unrequired and unimportant feelings, like love, excluded, but apparently, he was wrong. It stings a little to know he was wrong.

“I’m not overly fond of the consequences this might have,” he says distraughtly, with a sad attempt at laughing.

Jace cannot put up with the uncertainness and doubt on his face any longer, so he pulls his chair closer to him. “Look, you can tell me anything, and I won’t go anywhere.”

“Is that a promise?”

“Definitely,” he whispers effortlessly, smiling, because it is certainly one that he can keep and he has every intention to do so.

“The queen wanted to know how I became a daylighter,” Simon says slowly and reluctantly, keeping an eye on his reaction all the time.

It takes Jace a moment to connect the dots. Embarrassingly long. He does not realise why he would have a difficult time to tell him that, but then he remembers the promise. The promise that Simon made, and Jace never even required. The one that was always made to be broken.

He feels almost nauseated at the idea of Simon almost dying because he was protecting _him._ He feels dizzy and numb, and his stomach is filled with icy terror and paralyzing fear takes over his body, even though he knows Simon is here with him and safe.

Simon obviously takes his silence and horrified expression wrong. “I’m so sorry, I know I made a promise and I didn’t want to tell her, but it had been days, or at least I think it was days, and I was convinced that I’d die if she didn’t let me go, so I had to tell her, and I understand completely if you’re angry-“

Jace has to admit that he is angry. Almost furious, but not for the reasons Simon thinks he is. He is livid that Simon almost died because of him and he wants to shout and scream at him, but he knows it is the last thing he should do, because he is not mad at Simon. He is mad at the queen, himself and the world generally. He does not need to lash out on him.

Jace puts his hand on his knee, and it does stop his rambling, just as he hoped. “You have nothing to apologize. You’re okay and that is all that matters to me,” he breathes out.

“Really?” Simon asks, doubtfully, and he looks at him as if he had grown another head.

“Yes, you should have told her immediately,” Jace says, still feeling like he could puke just at thought of how much Simon must have suffered because of him.

“It felt too much like betrayal,” Simon says in a whisper, and he genuinely seems to mean it.

“If it makes you feel any better, I was on my way to the court when you called. I’d have told her if you didn’t,” Jace explains with a thin smile.

Simon just keeps staring at him with a quizzical expression as if he was a puzzle he needed to solve.

“When you made that promise, I thought more like angry mob of vampires, not the seelie queen,” Jace adds in a lighter tone, trying to come up with any ways that he can make him feel better.

“Me, too.”

“Also for future reference, break any promise to me if it saves your life,” Jace says, “I can even make it a rule of team back from the dead if it makes it easier for you to follow,” he deadpans.

Simon’s mouth curls up into a dim smile that is not quite real smile. “Always throw Jace under the bus if it saves you?”

“Something like that,” he confirms, pulling his hand away from his knee.

“I’m not too fond of that rule, I gotta say that,” Simon says, before he starts frowning again. “Are you sure you aren’t upset? I mean it’s kind of like you have a giant bull’s eye on your back and like half of the downworld-“

Simon might have a point that he might have put him in the danger, but Jace does not fully believe it. He is rather sure the queen won’t tell anyone. She wanted the information, but probably for later use. She might hold it over them later, but Jace does not have the energy to worry about future danger or blackmailing.

“Si, I’m not upset,” Jace repeats, sucking in his breath, because the temptation of confessing his true feelings is too strong. “I’d have done anything to keep you safe. I would have even taken your place if it was possible,” he ends up saying, gently and half-accidentally.

Simon smiles. It is a small smile, but it is a smile nevertheless, and his eyes are full of kindness and amusement.

“When you say stuff like that and keep coming to check up on me, it makes me think maybe you like me after all,” his voice is almost teasing, and if Jace didn’t know him any better, he would think is merely joking, but he does know him.

Jace knows the last thing he should be thinking about right now is their kiss, but the thought won’t leave his head and his gaze lingers on his lips a little too long.

“I do like you,” Jace confesses, “more than like you,” he says it quickly, as if he couldn’t hear him if he just spoke quickly enough, and he lets out a long breath afterwards.

In a way, it does not feel nearly as bad or frightening as he could have imagined. It’s just words. Sure, they have a huge meaning behind them, and they have consequences, but yet he feels oddly calm. His heart is pounding in his chest, and it is a little embarrassing when he remembers the fact that Simon can heart his heartbeat. 

But still, it is _Simon_. The same Simon who has never made fun of him when he has told about his childhood or nightmares, the same Simon who brings him lunch in the middle of his training because according to him he lacks the basics of self-care, the same Simon who is never anything but kind and funny.

He does not have the courage to look him straight into eyes after he said it, but he keeps staring at his legs and notices that he is still wearing the same pair of fuzzy socks. They have small and dried stains of blood on them.

“Oh,” Simon says quietly and maybe involuntarily, Jace isn’t certain.

“Yeah, we- you don’t have to say anything and I can go away if that is what you want,” Jace says, because he needs to give him a way out, a chance to make what he wants out of the situation they are currently in.

He starts to rise from his seat, but Simon stops him.

“Jace, stay.”

It is only two words, but it makes him stop immediately, and sit back down. The way he says them makes him stop. He says his name as if it would be something precious and valuable. He says it softly, almost pleading, but still full of adoration.

“I’m a little upset,” Simon continues, and Jace still has no courage to look up at him. His heart sinks in his chest. He doesn’t know why he is upset, but he still has the sudden urge to explain and apologize.

“I understand and I’m sorry-,” he stammers on miserably, until Simon continues speaking.

“Upset because you didn’t tell me earlier,” he whispers, and Jace can hear his grin, and it puzzles him enough to actually look at him, but then Simon pulls him closer by the collar of his jacket and kisses him.

It feels like his world stops for a moment, but even though his world stops, the rest of the world does not stop. It dares to go on, and not to give him enough time to cope or deal with anything.

And he doesn’t want to deal with anything. He wants to be only in this moment and not deal with anything else, because Simon’s lips are so soft against his and he laughs into his mouth. It is exhilarating and his heart and stomach decide to do synchronised somersaults.

Simon has his hand against his chest and clenches onto the fabric of his shirt and his other hand is somewhere in his hair. He just cups Simon’s face with his own hands. He almost falls off from his chair at one point, which make Simon laugh even harder, and Jace did not know that this kind of pure happiness existed.

He pulls slightly away to breathe, but Simon rests his forehead against his.

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Simon asks, quietly, but he is not accusing him of anything, it is just a curious and genuine question.

“I didn’t want to lose you,” Jace tells after a while, honestly and proud that he is able to say something intelligent after the kiss, “and we were doing great as friends and it seemed almost selfish to hope for more.”

“It’s not selfish to hope to be happy,” Simon says gently, pushing a strand of his hair away from his face. His heart flutters. “And just for clarity, I really like you, too, in a very non-platonic way.”

Jace grins at that. He almost wants to pinch himself because it feels too good to be true. “Why didn’t _you_ say anything?”

Simon gives him a lazy smile and shrug. “Maybe for the exact same reasons. I don’t know, we got close because of circumstances and I was afraid that I was reading all the signs wrong and that you weren’t spending time with me because you wanted to, but because out of necessity-“

“I wanted to,” Jace says, interrupting Simon, because it is crucial that he knows it. “I sometimes came up with excuses to see you.”

Jace might have asked him to join him on his long night patrols and he might have visited the boathouse more times than necessary and tell him that he was in the neighbourhood, even though he had been across the city. He might have seen every single gig that Simon has played in Hunter’s Moon and he might have watched movies with him even though he doesn’t like them.

Simon tilts his head. “Why do you think I kept bringing you lunch?” He asks, chuckling. “And then you kissed me and I got confused because you acted like you made a massive mistake and I wasn’t sure if you actually wanted me or if I was just the only one available when you felt lonely.”

“I wanted you,” Jace whispers, and even though it is only three words, he feels strangely vulnerable to say them.

“Obviously,” Simon deadpans, but breaks into a grin, “but I had no way of knowing it.”

“At least we know now,” Jace offers.

“Yeah,” Simon snorts. “It only took secrets, near death experiences and actual death for us to realise and talk about it.”

“You make it sound easier than it was,” Jace points out matter-of-factly.

He could have survived without dying and Simon owing a bunch of favours to the Seelie queen, even if it meant finding out about each other’s feelings even years later, but still he is grateful that he has one less secret to keep.

“It was a bit stressful,” Simon admits with a huge grin.

Simon looks at him, in a way that he always does, as if he is the only thing he sees, and that he is worthy of seeing. His fingertips brush his knuckles.

“I don’t even know what to say,” Jace admits, thinking honesty is the best way to go. He grabs his hand because somehow acting is easier than talking.

“We will figure it out,” Simon says, intertwining their fingers little awkwardly, “I just said we have survived death and the Seelie queen, and this cannot possibly be any harder than that.”

Jace laughs. “I feel like you’re jinxing us here and now, so when something goes wrong, I’ll remind you of this.”

“That’s a nice and positive way of looking at things,” Simon tells him, grinning, “but, seriously, we will figure it all out when we need to, so don’t worry about it.”

Jace just smiles at him, gently but gratefully. He cannot stop thinking how ecstatic everything feels.

“You could almost say, that we are doing it as a team,” Simon whispers with a brilliant grin.

“You’re ridiculous,” he whispers, before kissing him again, but he likes the idea of it a lot, the two of them against the odds.

**Author's Note:**

> All the mistakes are mine and there probably are some, and yes the name comes from the song 'dusk till dawn' by Zayn and Sia


End file.
